when everything goes wrong,
crumble to my knees.

our new ibanez EW20WNE friend.

school is starting. very simply, i don't want it to. it's been too much fun doing a whole assortment of things, from meeting the working crowd for quick but good lunches, to the dinner at jac's wonderful home where wine was aplenty, to visiting imleh at gramaphone and letting the music guru convince me and my very-gian-to-buy-cds person take over, even to running errands for pvp, and to alone time, to figuring out, to you.

tonight we had one of our final meetings at Mr Wee's residence. all I can say is that I'm truly encouraged by the way the pvp committee has been so dedicated and kind and competent in their actions thus far. these fine young men and women, i pray will be blessed tremendously. it reminds me that the Fairfield spirit transcends borders, and that hope shouldn't falter. i always fear that i'm not good enough a leader, and there is always so much to learn. essentially, there is much fear for what will happen this saturday. so i give it all to You, and know that your strength is made perfect in my weakness.

From : Carl-Johan Svärd kv03svcj@hlk.hj.se
Sent : Monday, July 24, 2006 10:00 PM
To : beckythinkofprettythings@hotmail.com
Subject : Missed but not forgotten!

HI Becky!
Me and Marie were playing a boardgame the other day and a disscussion about cheeting came up. And then we came to think of you (remember I used to tease u for playing unfair;).

I hope u have been able to follow our trip on our travelblog. We have seen and been moved by your comments on it. I talked briefly to Ruth or Viv (don't remember whichone of them) the other day and the told me that u have been busy with your alumni or event kind of thing.

Hope this will be or was a succsess. Write to us and tell us how it went.....
Anyway, this mail is just to remind u that me and Marie miss u a lot.
And don't worry. I am treating Marie as a princess. Looking forward to talk to u on skype when we come home. It's easier with the right equipment.

Take care now

Love CJ and Marie

***

In many ways, I fear the possibility of the sustaining of a friendship this important, this precious. My heart aches a little (a lot) when I hear from my favorite Swedish, cause the distance between us is much, and the only way to see them again is to go there, or they come here.

In so many ways, I want to go to Europe Now, with the capital N. Because I fear the impossibility of sustaining relationships and contacts made with wonderful Europeans this year; the fear that by 2008, the distance would have triumphed over even powerful things like technology. You think?

In many many ways, as I lock myself in the room, looping Feist’s Now At Last, reading Fodor’s and Lonely Planet, 14 countries that catch my attention, really do captivate me, and I want to go to Europe Now, capital N.

To visit Vienna en route to Slovenia, spend the koruna in Czech, wander around Stare Mesto of Prague, check out Mont St Michel overlooking the Channel in Normandy, asking parlez-vous anglais during the in-betweens, packing picnics of baguette with ham and cheese and lunching at the steps of some museum while watching the French and their passion for daily rituals, doing the touristy things at London, checking out greek gods in Akropolis, Likavitos, Plaka and standing in awe at the Peloponnese, Spanish steps and Ostia Antica at Roma, Tuscany, Milan, Venezia, mama mia! And we haven’t even got started on Ireland, Moscow and St Petersburg, Netherlands, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, sleeping in hostels and overnight trains.

How can I not want to go to Europe Now.

Whirlwind of thoughts. Some of which include much disappointment in self for decisions made this week, and what will explain this general sense of lethargy and waking up at unearthly hours behavior. Positively though, I think about and appreciate the wonderful company this week, post-ipho. From talks at our favorite joint, to thank you for smoking, to visiting the alma mater and hugging the teachers that still care, hugs, are always good, and teachers, will always be in your life; to boat quay night, to Harry’s with great music courtesy of Sara; the coziness of being in your presence, and the difficulty when reality sets in. I just got to keep busy-ing myself. I think that will work. Idleness, the devil’s workshop, and I want to stop disappointing Him. Small thoughts have been spoken, now for the big ones.

What would I want to remember when I think back about ipho? I would want to remember the first few days of no sleep, the endless running around the lobby every morning so bad I dream about it. The non stop calls, the constant reminder of having to be a good Singaporean host. Breakfasts by the poolside at Triple Three, and late night chats before we tuck ourselves in. Not-wanting-to-wake-at-6ams, the Starbucks breaks just across. The chats with Dr Gunnar, Rea, Mie and of course Bajc, joking with bellboys, Ravi and concierge. The madness of the ops room, the madness of the people in the ops room, the madness. The Coke Fountain and The Astro Night.

The learning from execution, the learnings from mistakes, the lessons of humility and the brilliant people I will forever respect. The new friends made and relationships forged, the nights we had the arts boys over in the room for tagalog sessions and sing alongs.

The German interaction, German lunch, German gift, and feeling of sadness when we embraced to bid farewell. The French bouquet, the kind words said by delegates that make it all worth while. The first delegate, the tease on the last night, the almost-tears after the Slovenian peck on the cheek goodbye.

12 days that I won’t forget. Ipho, The End.

and because i love you charm,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnOvCinsvjc

my idea of a friendship is one that is Reciprocative.

but you just keep taking.

just the other night, after bobby said, f*ck, i miss you guys so much, i felt a nostalgic feeling hit. like a heart pang-ing kind of nostalgia. no coercion. then followed a feeling of comfort, cause of a knowledge that reassures that ithaca will own a place no matter what.

just tonight, when ruth sent me that verse of encouragement, and i called rachel to tell her about how i saw edgar in uniform protecting the PM in meritus mandarin, i was reminded about how much i adore my sisters, and how much more i should adore them.

just today, i was overwhelmed by a great sense of loneliness. of wondering why i always manage to successfully get myself into events or places where i find much discomfort, of wondering why this friendship, as much as i will always love you as a friend, has much difficulty cause of the things you constantly say and do that hurt.

i know that it's really just a matter of dealing with it, sucking it up, living life simply and happily. i wonder if i'll ever reach a point in my life where my life can reflect these things, or will i just be constantly seeking, but never really be.

Hold my hand lest I fall.

suppose I said
i am on my best behavior
there are times
i lose my worried mind
suppose I said
colors change for no good reason
words will go
from poetry to prose
would you want me when I'm not myself.

For those who have had the misfortune to be around me of late, you know that ipho has been a hot topic. Much has been said, but one thing I should not forget to add; that of the presence of some truly brilliant individuals. Watching them work, plan, organize and interact has been thoroughly humbling, more so because they function in such a style of humility and meekness. Again, I believe God brought me to this event to see and to witness and to learn, and I really should.

In other news. Glo is back!!! =) + Yans is gone… =(
The bittersweet ness of life. The bitter could be gone if Australia was just, nearer.
Still, Yans darling, be strong this semester and if you just do your thing, you are going to shine so brightly lawyer I know it for sure.

I never do get used to saying goodbye to each of you, each time I have to, you must know.

because i'm only taking 18 AUs next semester,

i really want to do the music thing. the sit in someone's studio and jam the whole day kind of thing. the what i used to do all the time in jc except study the kind of thing. the singing and blending and mixing and strumming and smiling, smiling so gleefully thing.

because i'm only taking 18 AUs next semester.